Have you ever gotten to a point in your life that you wished to just reinvent yourself? I seem to find that I am now at that point, once again. I must have an internal cycle that gives me this urge to change every so often.
It was about 5 years ago I found myself in this situation. My firstborn was turning one year old and I was tired of how my life was: how I acted, how I dressed, what was important to me. With a shopping spree, courtesy of one of my sisters, I forsook my frumpy, schoolmarm type of clothes for the hip, fitted, cool mom style. I started reading some good books by Christian authors on being a good wife and mother, which in turn helped my attitude to get better. I often read my Bible and had prayer time. I changed my priorities and decided that family was very important to me. I'm sure many noticed the change in me then.
Presently, I am at that point of change, of reinvention, again. In my last post, you read how I have been unsatisfied and lost. This is part of that. I am unsatisfied with myself. I need a change of ME. I am now looking at my life, my family, and deciding what is good about it and what could do with some good changes.
For some time now I have been inspired by all the housewives of generations past. I've wanted to be more like them. However, what that meant for me and how to go about that I was not very sure.
Since having my very first son, and even still now that I have had a second, I have felt different than most of my generation. I have not shared in the thought that for a woman to be something, and be something good, that she must do so outside the home. I have never measured success in terms of what career I have, how much money I make, or what friends I am in a clique with, or how big my house is, or even what my husband does for a living. Success for me is how happy my family is, how well adjusted my children are, how well feed and loved my husband feels, paying the bills with just what we've got, clothing my family with the best bargains and quality I can find...
For the past several years, I thought that I have been pretty successful as far as my standards go. And in truth, I HAVE done a good job. However, when I get to this point of needing change and my reinvention stage, I have to take a good, hard look at things with fresh eyes.
I see things I want to change.
I want my house to be a peaceful one. I find that quite an alarming amount of yelling has gone on in this house since my second son was born. I am not satisfied with things staying that way any more. I want my house to be peaceful, a place of calm, of rational thought and action instead of a place of raging, uncontrolled feeling. I am often heard to say about this: "You have a choice to feel." It means that feelings should not control you; you decide just what you feel. You choose to feel upset about something. You choose to let your emotions rage or not. Emotions are valid; it is a choice how you deal with them. It is time that I practice this motto of mine better, much much better.
I want my house to have order. I want to be better at keeping things clean and picked up. I truly love a clean house. It makes me happy and puts me in a great mood. I just do not like to be the one to clean it ALL the time! That has been my feeling about it for years now. I want to change that now. I've been wasting years complaining about my housewife duties. It's time I get over it, reinvent that part of me, and get happy with keeping things clean MYSELF.
Again, I find I want to change my wardrobe. For two years, since the birth of my second son I have worn nothing but pants. When you find yourself breastfeeding a baby, there's not much practicality in dresses. Now that I am done with that part of Owen's life, I want my dresses back. I have always had an affinity for a pretty dress. I dreamed about the day that they would come back into vogue; that day is here and I couldn't be more ready to reinvent that part of my life!
These are just a few of the things that I will be reinventing. There will be many others, I am sure. Perhaps I shall share them with you again as I follow this, my latest path of reinvention.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
The path that leads Home
I have been in a state of desolation for some time now. It is a cumulation of many things... the slow work for my husband and therefore the inability to pay for our groceries, the receiving of our tax return and having to spend it on groceries/bills, the cold gloomy weather, my children and their listening and behavioral issues... Alas, the list could really go on and on. However, it is just a laundry list of petty issues that, ordinarily, would not make it onto my vexations list; there is a bigger issue at heart here.
I am away from God. Not to say that He has forsaken me, or that He is not still with me. The fact of significance here is that I am the one who has left God. As I sit here and reflect over the past year, I can see that it was not an intentional directional change on my part, no, indeed, it was more of a gradual slipping of daily disciplines and a weekly abnegation of Sunday's sermons in favor of service in the nursery.
I have feelings of aloneness; even with children always around me, a husband to love me, my parents to visit with, sisters to shop with; the aloneness continues unabated. My spirit knows that none of these things, these wonderful people, can fill my aching need. That need can be filled by none other than God Himself.
I have feelings of dissatisfaction which bothers me since I have always practiced (and preached!) that to be satisfied with ones lot is a choice. My well of satisfaction that springs from my Lord is dry.
I have feelings of frustration, with everyone and anyone; my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my church, the world...!
My center (my Lord and Father) is off-center. He is not in His proper place. I have not put Him in his proper place. I have continually made the wrong choice of forgoing my daily talks with Him, to forgo my reading of His Word in favor of TV, housework, the children, etc...
The chasm that I now face seems to be an insurmountable obstacle; it separates me from what I want most. My heart yearns for it, the closeness with my Father, but my mind deceives me into thinking that He will not want me after my callous behavior. What utter nonsense, what reckless drivel I deceive myself with. Of course my Lord, my God, my Father will want me! He will open his arms wide and receive me afresh! My spirit will be enveloped by His, and my dark shroud will vanish away.
"Oh, my Father! How I cry out to you! My spirit mourns your presence, my heart yearns and longs for your loving embrace! What life I have been living, what horrid deadness have I felt away from you. Why must I be so deceived to not want you near me? Why must I be forever separated from you? Oh, how the chasm seems so vast! The weight of my disobedience and sin are heavy with me. The darkness surrounds me with it's seductive lure.
"Yet, I can see the small light still aglow! There is hope in me after all; my Father has not forsaken me! Oh, how I praise you, your wonderful glory! Your amazing unconditional love that stays with me forever. It bridges that chasm such that I laugh at the sight of what I once thought was so insurmountable! What a puddle it was, what a downright pebble in my shoe. Such a small thing, so easily rectified by simply calling out your all-powerful name!
"How silly I have been, how childish I have become. Forgive me, my Father, I am your wayward child; I need your guidance and your direction. I will forever skirt the path to darkness without your light to guide me.
"How I praise you, oh, how I love you. What kindness you show me, what loving discipline you deal me. Shine your light on me, my Lord, scatter the darkness to the four corners, banish it into exile. You are all I need, Father. Amen"
I am away from God. Not to say that He has forsaken me, or that He is not still with me. The fact of significance here is that I am the one who has left God. As I sit here and reflect over the past year, I can see that it was not an intentional directional change on my part, no, indeed, it was more of a gradual slipping of daily disciplines and a weekly abnegation of Sunday's sermons in favor of service in the nursery.
I have feelings of aloneness; even with children always around me, a husband to love me, my parents to visit with, sisters to shop with; the aloneness continues unabated. My spirit knows that none of these things, these wonderful people, can fill my aching need. That need can be filled by none other than God Himself.
I have feelings of dissatisfaction which bothers me since I have always practiced (and preached!) that to be satisfied with ones lot is a choice. My well of satisfaction that springs from my Lord is dry.
I have feelings of frustration, with everyone and anyone; my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my church, the world...!
My center (my Lord and Father) is off-center. He is not in His proper place. I have not put Him in his proper place. I have continually made the wrong choice of forgoing my daily talks with Him, to forgo my reading of His Word in favor of TV, housework, the children, etc...
The chasm that I now face seems to be an insurmountable obstacle; it separates me from what I want most. My heart yearns for it, the closeness with my Father, but my mind deceives me into thinking that He will not want me after my callous behavior. What utter nonsense, what reckless drivel I deceive myself with. Of course my Lord, my God, my Father will want me! He will open his arms wide and receive me afresh! My spirit will be enveloped by His, and my dark shroud will vanish away.
"Oh, my Father! How I cry out to you! My spirit mourns your presence, my heart yearns and longs for your loving embrace! What life I have been living, what horrid deadness have I felt away from you. Why must I be so deceived to not want you near me? Why must I be forever separated from you? Oh, how the chasm seems so vast! The weight of my disobedience and sin are heavy with me. The darkness surrounds me with it's seductive lure.
"Yet, I can see the small light still aglow! There is hope in me after all; my Father has not forsaken me! Oh, how I praise you, your wonderful glory! Your amazing unconditional love that stays with me forever. It bridges that chasm such that I laugh at the sight of what I once thought was so insurmountable! What a puddle it was, what a downright pebble in my shoe. Such a small thing, so easily rectified by simply calling out your all-powerful name!
"How silly I have been, how childish I have become. Forgive me, my Father, I am your wayward child; I need your guidance and your direction. I will forever skirt the path to darkness without your light to guide me.
"How I praise you, oh, how I love you. What kindness you show me, what loving discipline you deal me. Shine your light on me, my Lord, scatter the darkness to the four corners, banish it into exile. You are all I need, Father. Amen"
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