The path that leads Home

I have been in a state of desolation for some time now. It is a cumulation of many things... the slow work for my husband and therefore the inability to pay for our groceries, the receiving of our tax return and having to spend it on groceries/bills, the cold gloomy weather, my children and their listening and behavioral issues... Alas, the list could really go on and on. However, it is just a laundry list of petty issues that, ordinarily, would not make it onto my vexations list; there is a bigger issue at heart here.

I am away from God. Not to say that He has forsaken me, or that He is not still with me. The fact of significance here is that I am the one who has left God. As I sit here and reflect over the past year, I can see that it was not an intentional directional change on my part, no, indeed, it was more of a gradual slipping of daily disciplines and a weekly abnegation of Sunday's sermons in favor of service in the nursery.

I have feelings of aloneness; even with children always around me, a husband to love me, my parents to visit with, sisters to shop with; the aloneness continues unabated. My spirit knows that none of these things, these wonderful people, can fill my aching need. That need can be filled by none other than God Himself.

I have feelings of dissatisfaction which bothers me since I have always practiced (and preached!) that to be satisfied with ones lot is a choice. My well of satisfaction that springs from my Lord is dry.

I have feelings of frustration, with everyone and anyone; my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my church, the world...!

My center (my Lord and Father) is off-center. He is not in His proper place. I have not put Him in his proper place. I have continually made the wrong choice of forgoing my daily talks with Him, to forgo my reading of His Word in favor of TV, housework, the children, etc...

The chasm that I now face seems to be an insurmountable obstacle; it separates me from what I want most. My heart yearns for it, the closeness with my Father, but my mind deceives me into thinking that He will not want me after my callous behavior. What utter nonsense, what reckless drivel I deceive myself with. Of course my Lord, my God, my Father will want me! He will open his arms wide and receive me afresh! My spirit will be enveloped by His, and my dark shroud will vanish away.

"Oh, my Father! How I cry out to you! My spirit mourns your presence, my heart yearns and longs for your loving embrace! What life I have been living, what horrid deadness have I felt away from you. Why must I be so deceived to not want you near me? Why must I be forever separated from you? Oh, how the chasm seems so vast! The weight of my disobedience and sin are heavy with me. The darkness surrounds me with it's seductive lure.

"Yet, I can see the small light still aglow! There is hope in me after all; my Father has not forsaken me! Oh, how I praise you, your wonderful glory! Your amazing unconditional love that stays with me forever. It bridges that chasm such that I laugh at the sight of what I once thought was so insurmountable! What a puddle it was, what a downright pebble in my shoe. Such a small thing, so easily rectified by simply calling out your all-powerful name!

"How silly I have been, how childish I have become. Forgive me, my Father, I am your wayward child; I need your guidance and your direction. I will forever skirt the path to darkness without your light to guide me.

"How I praise you, oh, how I love you. What kindness you show me, what loving discipline you deal me. Shine your light on me, my Lord, scatter the darkness to the four corners, banish it into exile. You are all I need, Father. Amen"